Saturday, December 10
inadequate
I don’t know what to say about today. I can’t exactly say I screwed up my timed trial today; but that was definitely nowhere near my best timing. How did I “deprove” by 40s after a few months of hardcore training?! It was a great slap to my face. I guess I work in a very funny way huh. Occasional compliments may reassure me, but that’s nothing. I need wake up calls, hard slaps to the face. I need harsh words and mentally killing myself before I move further, higher. I am harsh on myself, I admit. But sometimes.. I’ll forget, I’ll lose sight of my goals, I’ll lose focus.
I really don’t understand why kengwi didn’t scold me today, choosing instead to smile when I told him I wanted to go do another 2k to convince myself. (that is so 梁露 omg >.<) Perhaps he knows I’ll eat myself up over my mistakes, no matter how big or small, but I still need him to scold me when I deserve it?! “You and Doris, one tilt to the left, one tilt to the right. Go and do K2 together lah!” (something he told Tammie before the Sept made me stop my tilt by THAT very training).
It was sentences like “Tell me if you don’t want to be on the team; Don’t waste my time” that motivated me to work harder (in netball). “Your stubbornness isn’t going to bring you anywhere!” is the line that still repeats in my head these days, reminding myself not to make the same mistakes. So don’t tell me not to be so harsh on myself, because it’s something I need. In fact, the next time you see me losing focus or not putting in my 100%, SCREAM AT ME. SHOUT AT ME. Because the scariest thing is when you know you’re making a mistake and no one is correcting you anymore.
I don’t know what to say about today. I can’t exactly say I screwed up my timed trial today; but that was definitely nowhere near my best timing. How did I “deprove” by 40s after a few months of hardcore training?! It was a great slap to my face. I guess I work in a very funny way huh. Occasional compliments may reassure me, but that’s nothing. I need wake up calls, hard slaps to the face. I need harsh words and mentally killing myself before I move further, higher. I am harsh on myself, I admit. But sometimes.. I’ll forget, I’ll lose sight of my goals, I’ll lose focus.
I really don’t understand why kengwi didn’t scold me today, choosing instead to smile when I told him I wanted to go do another 2k to convince myself. (that is so 梁露 omg >.<) Perhaps he knows I’ll eat myself up over my mistakes, no matter how big or small, but I still need him to scold me when I deserve it?! “You and Doris, one tilt to the left, one tilt to the right. Go and do K2 together lah!” (something he told Tammie before the Sept made me stop my tilt by THAT very training).
It was sentences like “Tell me if you don’t want to be on the team; Don’t waste my time” that motivated me to work harder (in netball). “Your stubbornness isn’t going to bring you anywhere!” is the line that still repeats in my head these days, reminding myself not to make the same mistakes. So don’t tell me not to be so harsh on myself, because it’s something I need. In fact, the next time you see me losing focus or not putting in my 100%, SCREAM AT ME. SHOUT AT ME. Because the scariest thing is when you know you’re making a mistake and no one is correcting you anymore.
what we are, right now @ 8:33 PM.
