Sunday, October 30
On another day, I may have posted this on tumblr. But I am increasingly aware of my readership on each of the social networking sites I have, and cautious of the words that I say. Yes, carefully and selectively posting certain materials on the different sites does not make it private; but somehow.. I feel better letting it out with the knowledge that it's gonna have to take a number of turns before it reaches the eyes (or ears) of the people I don't want to share this with.
Somehow, if this was with the chickenrice team, I wouldn't hesitate to share this with everyone. Or, even if I were to feel uncomfortable, there are still a few that I know I can tell without hurting or offending anyone, and knowing that they'll understand. Perhaps it's the lack of team talks, perhaps it's the different mentality of the people around here, I just doubt I can get the same understanding I know I would get if it were, say.. Si Jia. Besides, despite being the QM, I doubt I am in any position to say anything about it.
I really, seriously think that we're taking things for granted. Yes, the seniors got 2nd this year. But they worked really, really, really hard. They were constantly afraid of not being good enough and pushed themselves past their limits. They knew that they came in weak, without much sporting experience and needed to train up. We came in, majority from sport ccas. We came with some form of stamina, experienced some form of hardcore training, we came in with strength. Yet, we lack the mental strength and determination our seniors had. This includes me. Thinking back on the times where I felt I was really lagging in netball, when I self-trained to increase my stamina, increase my strength and improve on my skills.. What I'm doing now, merely going for optional trainings.. It doesn't even match up. My love for the sport and the desire to get onto the team fueled my motivation to train harder and harder, to push myself past limits every time, enjoying the sweat dripping down my back and the ache of my muscles. Although I dare not say I was stronger then (mentally), for I am known to give up during the last lap of 2.4km runs, but I dare say.. The desire, the fire of passion was much stronger then.
I keep telling myself to focus on my techniques, but now that my techniques is somewhere there.. When am I going to train up my paddling stamina? Doris, get this stuck in your head: YOUR MENTAL STRENGTH FUCKING SUCKS. You know your pain tolerance is much higher than that. You know that if you can shave off so many minutes off your timings, without panting like mad, YOU HAVE NOT PUSHED HARD ENOUGH. When are you going to do it, Doris?! When!
"How dare they say they're going to beat us next year wth"
How dare we get angry at them and say, "No way in hell are we going to let that happen", when we've not given them a reason to fear us? Others may beg otherwise, but I seriously doubt that I, personally, have given anyone, be it in the team or outside the team, to fear me on water. If I can't even give others the sense that I'm their competition, how dare I say, "Don't belittle me"? I don't dare, I really don't.
So when people are talking, I'm gonna keep mum.
Even if you're a threat to someone, be humble. Keep your words to yourself.
Let your actions next year do all the talking for you.
what we are, right now @ 3:44 PM.
