Sunday, October 30
I guess at the end of the day, words are the ones that would never fail us. They are not all powerful, they fail to encapsulate feelings most of the times, but somehow they always managed to be the very thing I fall back on in times of insecurity. I really wonder how wise was it of me, to openly hint on twitter with the words "Have we given them a reason to fear us?". Would it serve as a reminder, not only to myself but also my team, the reasons we're training? Without a clear goal in mind, what can one achieve?
I miss my chickenrice team, I miss the people I can say things to without fear of offense. I miss Si Jia, I miss Ramya, I miss Chew Yen. The three people whom will always relate to my feelings, understand my thoughts.. even if they beg to differ. They've never failed to open up my eyes to different sights, to different thoughts and perspectives.. teaching me to view the same painting in a different light.
The time apart, in different places of the world has not diminished my love for them. Especially with Ramya being in Aussie. The power of the Internet has made my dear girl so near, yet so far. I miss the random phone calls and messages that would never fail to brighten up my day. I remember the extent to which we'll make each other happy, searching far and wide for grumpy bear only to get a good luck bear in return <3 Or the way our thoughts connect us, our love for community work that has bonded us more than anything. It was scary how our message to each other (on 'O' level results day) was so shockingly similar that it brought tears to my eyes. These three girls are truly the best things that have appeared in my life.
Not forgetting Audrey, my best friend since primary school. We've been through a lot.. I've never imagined myself to be the one who sparked a fight between us, her brutal honesty is always something I've admired and loved. She was the first thing on my mind when I was at my grandfather's wake, keeping my sorrows to myself. It was kinda a joke, my cousin and me... our naive conversation when we simply wanted to hold on to the thought that.. hey, it could've been better. what if.. this happened? When I teared at the airport, or sobbed heavily when I got home, silently listening to my cries as she did her math. I've never asked her how she felt, but I guess it must be horrible for her.. To receive a random call from her best friend who barely tears, only to hear her sobbing hopelessly. It is truly my blessing, to have her in my life. "I must have a lucky star; For I have the best friend I can wish for."
I am really lucky, I feel really blessed. I have wonderful people in my life and I really love how my life has turned out so far. There have been setbacks, there have been lessons.. It was not always smooth-sailing, but I know, these are the very things that have shaped me today. "There is no way you can connect the dots looking forward, only when you look backwards." I am glad. I really love the way the dots in my life has connected, I am really blessed that these special girls in my life.. are still here to stay. I love you girls (;
what we are, right now @ 4:25 PM.
On another day, I may have posted this on tumblr. But I am increasingly aware of my readership on each of the social networking sites I have, and cautious of the words that I say. Yes, carefully and selectively posting certain materials on the different sites does not make it private; but somehow.. I feel better letting it out with the knowledge that it's gonna have to take a number of turns before it reaches the eyes (or ears) of the people I don't want to share this with.
Somehow, if this was with the chickenrice team, I wouldn't hesitate to share this with everyone. Or, even if I were to feel uncomfortable, there are still a few that I know I can tell without hurting or offending anyone, and knowing that they'll understand. Perhaps it's the lack of team talks, perhaps it's the different mentality of the people around here, I just doubt I can get the same understanding I know I would get if it were, say.. Si Jia. Besides, despite being the QM, I doubt I am in any position to say anything about it.
I really, seriously think that we're taking things for granted. Yes, the seniors got 2nd this year. But they worked really, really, really hard. They were constantly afraid of not being good enough and pushed themselves past their limits. They knew that they came in weak, without much sporting experience and needed to train up. We came in, majority from sport ccas. We came with some form of stamina, experienced some form of hardcore training, we came in with strength. Yet, we lack the mental strength and determination our seniors had. This includes me. Thinking back on the times where I felt I was really lagging in netball, when I self-trained to increase my stamina, increase my strength and improve on my skills.. What I'm doing now, merely going for optional trainings.. It doesn't even match up. My love for the sport and the desire to get onto the team fueled my motivation to train harder and harder, to push myself past limits every time, enjoying the sweat dripping down my back and the ache of my muscles. Although I dare not say I was stronger then (mentally), for I am known to give up during the last lap of 2.4km runs, but I dare say.. The desire, the fire of passion was much stronger then.
I keep telling myself to focus on my techniques, but now that my techniques is somewhere there.. When am I going to train up my paddling stamina? Doris, get this stuck in your head: YOUR MENTAL STRENGTH FUCKING SUCKS. You know your pain tolerance is much higher than that. You know that if you can shave off so many minutes off your timings, without panting like mad, YOU HAVE NOT PUSHED HARD ENOUGH. When are you going to do it, Doris?! When!
"How dare they say they're going to beat us next year wth"
How dare we get angry at them and say, "No way in hell are we going to let that happen", when we've not given them a reason to fear us? Others may beg otherwise, but I seriously doubt that I, personally, have given anyone, be it in the team or outside the team, to fear me on water. If I can't even give others the sense that I'm their competition, how dare I say, "Don't belittle me"? I don't dare, I really don't.
So when people are talking, I'm gonna keep mum.
Even if you're a threat to someone, be humble. Keep your words to yourself.
Let your actions next year do all the talking for you.
what we are, right now @ 3:44 PM.
