Sunday, December 18
与时间挥手告别。
阿信的词，每首都如一首诗。一首令人反省的诗。
“如果要告別 如果今夜就要和一切告別
如果你只能打一通電話 你會撥給誰“
突然想起时间的流逝是如此得快。再多两周就开学了。这个假期里，我没有什么所谓的“休息”，只有一天又一天，一个接一个的训练。练得有一次我真的好累，累得我再也无法把自己的百分之百献给独木舟。有时还真地感到有些无奈，都没有什么时间与亲人好友聚一聚，跟不见得有时间让自己静一静。但这每天训练，每天看见我的队友，我的教练的日子我早已习惯了。一想到不到两周我就得结束这只需全心全意训练的日子，回到学生生活，我真的有很多的不舍。若能不会去上学，再辛苦的训练我都甘愿。
“還是要告別 還是放棄海拔以下的世界
你會裝進什麼回憶紀念 在行李裡面“
开学后，边读边训练得我们需要找出自己的平衡点。不到两三个月，就得比赛了。想起刚刚“入门”的我们，真的好像数年前的事。但若要我幻想比赛中赢奖的我们，对现在的我却似个不切实际的梦想。明年，我们将迎接新生，训练独木舟，小考，比赛滑独木舟，训练龙舟，比赛华龙舟，考试，露营，考试，考试，晚宴，考试。很快的，时间会过去。而我将会想念的，到底是训练的日子，还是与我天天训练作伴的队友，训练我们的教练？
“終於要告別 終於沒有更多的明天要追
你有什麼遺憾依然殘缺 還沒有完美“
今天，与我教练聊天时.. 我突然想起：明年，比赛结束后，就不会再天天看见教练，也再也不会有什么话题与他聊天.. 心里总觉得有点怪怪的。毕竟，这一年来，我们创造了不少痛苦回忆。这一年来，我们见面的数次数也数不清。到了明年，到了我们终于得告别的时候，我会带着一万份的不舍，对我的教练与队友微笑告别。虽然这不是永远永远的告别，但我们却是一起对着天天见面，天天训练的岁月告别。
想起这些，心里真的有些怪怪的。真不舍得，两周后学校开学时所告别的生活。真不想要，告诉自己不再需要辛苦训练，不再会天天见到队友，天天见到教练的时候。我不要求时间倒流，只要求时间慢走，让我足以享受这两周，这两三个月的甜美时光。虽然我会想念，我会不舍.. 但时间一到，我仍然会挥手告别。
what we are, right now @ 4:19 AM.
Saturday, December 10
inadequate
I don’t know what to say about today. I can’t exactly say I screwed up my timed trial today; but that was definitely nowhere near my best timing. How did I “deprove” by 40s after a few months of hardcore training?! It was a great slap to my face. I guess I work in a very funny way huh. Occasional compliments may reassure me, but that’s nothing. I need wake up calls, hard slaps to the face. I need harsh words and mentally killing myself before I move further, higher. I am harsh on myself, I admit. But sometimes.. I’ll forget, I’ll lose sight of my goals, I’ll lose focus.
I really don’t understand why kengwi didn’t scold me today, choosing instead to smile when I told him I wanted to go do another 2k to convince myself. (that is so 梁露 omg >.<) Perhaps he knows I’ll eat myself up over my mistakes, no matter how big or small, but I still need him to scold me when I deserve it?! “You and Doris, one tilt to the left, one tilt to the right. Go and do K2 together lah!” (something he told Tammie before the Sept made me stop my tilt by THAT very training).
It was sentences like “Tell me if you don’t want to be on the team; Don’t waste my time” that motivated me to work harder (in netball). “Your stubbornness isn’t going to bring you anywhere!” is the line that still repeats in my head these days, reminding myself not to make the same mistakes. So don’t tell me not to be so harsh on myself, because it’s something I need. In fact, the next time you see me losing focus or not putting in my 100%, SCREAM AT ME. SHOUT AT ME. Because the scariest thing is when you know you’re making a mistake and no one is correcting you anymore.
I don’t know what to say about today. I can’t exactly say I screwed up my timed trial today; but that was definitely nowhere near my best timing. How did I “deprove” by 40s after a few months of hardcore training?! It was a great slap to my face. I guess I work in a very funny way huh. Occasional compliments may reassure me, but that’s nothing. I need wake up calls, hard slaps to the face. I need harsh words and mentally killing myself before I move further, higher. I am harsh on myself, I admit. But sometimes.. I’ll forget, I’ll lose sight of my goals, I’ll lose focus.
I really don’t understand why kengwi didn’t scold me today, choosing instead to smile when I told him I wanted to go do another 2k to convince myself. (that is so 梁露 omg >.<) Perhaps he knows I’ll eat myself up over my mistakes, no matter how big or small, but I still need him to scold me when I deserve it?! “You and Doris, one tilt to the left, one tilt to the right. Go and do K2 together lah!” (something he told Tammie before the Sept made me stop my tilt by THAT very training).
It was sentences like “Tell me if you don’t want to be on the team; Don’t waste my time” that motivated me to work harder (in netball). “Your stubbornness isn’t going to bring you anywhere!” is the line that still repeats in my head these days, reminding myself not to make the same mistakes. So don’t tell me not to be so harsh on myself, because it’s something I need. In fact, the next time you see me losing focus or not putting in my 100%, SCREAM AT ME. SHOUT AT ME. Because the scariest thing is when you know you’re making a mistake and no one is correcting you anymore.
what we are, right now @ 8:33 PM.
Monday, November 21
i've daringly requested my captain and coach for a day of rest from training today. i think, i have really overtrained myself. at times, it just feels like the usual tiredness of having multiple trainings; other times, i simply trained as normal, or even better than usual. however, suddenly being unable to train up to even 40% of my normal training capacity for two trainings consecutively.. my earlier suspicions reemerged in my mind, especially when i realised i was unable to perform a simple task, such as lifting my paddle to shoulder height while paddling, without difficulty..
c'mon doris, you've only begun.
"Train insane, or remain the same."
"Be stricter, harsher on yourself."
what we are, right now @ 4:04 PM.
Sunday, October 30
I guess at the end of the day, words are the ones that would never fail us. They are not all powerful, they fail to encapsulate feelings most of the times, but somehow they always managed to be the very thing I fall back on in times of insecurity. I really wonder how wise was it of me, to openly hint on twitter with the words "Have we given them a reason to fear us?". Would it serve as a reminder, not only to myself but also my team, the reasons we're training? Without a clear goal in mind, what can one achieve?
I miss my chickenrice team, I miss the people I can say things to without fear of offense. I miss Si Jia, I miss Ramya, I miss Chew Yen. The three people whom will always relate to my feelings, understand my thoughts.. even if they beg to differ. They've never failed to open up my eyes to different sights, to different thoughts and perspectives.. teaching me to view the same painting in a different light.
The time apart, in different places of the world has not diminished my love for them. Especially with Ramya being in Aussie. The power of the Internet has made my dear girl so near, yet so far. I miss the random phone calls and messages that would never fail to brighten up my day. I remember the extent to which we'll make each other happy, searching far and wide for grumpy bear only to get a good luck bear in return <3 Or the way our thoughts connect us, our love for community work that has bonded us more than anything. It was scary how our message to each other (on 'O' level results day) was so shockingly similar that it brought tears to my eyes. These three girls are truly the best things that have appeared in my life.
Not forgetting Audrey, my best friend since primary school. We've been through a lot.. I've never imagined myself to be the one who sparked a fight between us, her brutal honesty is always something I've admired and loved. She was the first thing on my mind when I was at my grandfather's wake, keeping my sorrows to myself. It was kinda a joke, my cousin and me... our naive conversation when we simply wanted to hold on to the thought that.. hey, it could've been better. what if.. this happened? When I teared at the airport, or sobbed heavily when I got home, silently listening to my cries as she did her math. I've never asked her how she felt, but I guess it must be horrible for her.. To receive a random call from her best friend who barely tears, only to hear her sobbing hopelessly. It is truly my blessing, to have her in my life. "I must have a lucky star; For I have the best friend I can wish for."
I am really lucky, I feel really blessed. I have wonderful people in my life and I really love how my life has turned out so far. There have been setbacks, there have been lessons.. It was not always smooth-sailing, but I know, these are the very things that have shaped me today. "There is no way you can connect the dots looking forward, only when you look backwards." I am glad. I really love the way the dots in my life has connected, I am really blessed that these special girls in my life.. are still here to stay. I love you girls (;
what we are, right now @ 4:25 PM.
On another day, I may have posted this on tumblr. But I am increasingly aware of my readership on each of the social networking sites I have, and cautious of the words that I say. Yes, carefully and selectively posting certain materials on the different sites does not make it private; but somehow.. I feel better letting it out with the knowledge that it's gonna have to take a number of turns before it reaches the eyes (or ears) of the people I don't want to share this with.
Somehow, if this was with the chickenrice team, I wouldn't hesitate to share this with everyone. Or, even if I were to feel uncomfortable, there are still a few that I know I can tell without hurting or offending anyone, and knowing that they'll understand. Perhaps it's the lack of team talks, perhaps it's the different mentality of the people around here, I just doubt I can get the same understanding I know I would get if it were, say.. Si Jia. Besides, despite being the QM, I doubt I am in any position to say anything about it.
I really, seriously think that we're taking things for granted. Yes, the seniors got 2nd this year. But they worked really, really, really hard. They were constantly afraid of not being good enough and pushed themselves past their limits. They knew that they came in weak, without much sporting experience and needed to train up. We came in, majority from sport ccas. We came with some form of stamina, experienced some form of hardcore training, we came in with strength. Yet, we lack the mental strength and determination our seniors had. This includes me. Thinking back on the times where I felt I was really lagging in netball, when I self-trained to increase my stamina, increase my strength and improve on my skills.. What I'm doing now, merely going for optional trainings.. It doesn't even match up. My love for the sport and the desire to get onto the team fueled my motivation to train harder and harder, to push myself past limits every time, enjoying the sweat dripping down my back and the ache of my muscles. Although I dare not say I was stronger then (mentally), for I am known to give up during the last lap of 2.4km runs, but I dare say.. The desire, the fire of passion was much stronger then.
I keep telling myself to focus on my techniques, but now that my techniques is somewhere there.. When am I going to train up my paddling stamina? Doris, get this stuck in your head: YOUR MENTAL STRENGTH FUCKING SUCKS. You know your pain tolerance is much higher than that. You know that if you can shave off so many minutes off your timings, without panting like mad, YOU HAVE NOT PUSHED HARD ENOUGH. When are you going to do it, Doris?! When!
"How dare they say they're going to beat us next year wth"
How dare we get angry at them and say, "No way in hell are we going to let that happen", when we've not given them a reason to fear us? Others may beg otherwise, but I seriously doubt that I, personally, have given anyone, be it in the team or outside the team, to fear me on water. If I can't even give others the sense that I'm their competition, how dare I say, "Don't belittle me"? I don't dare, I really don't.
So when people are talking, I'm gonna keep mum.
Even if you're a threat to someone, be humble. Keep your words to yourself.
Let your actions next year do all the talking for you.
what we are, right now @ 3:44 PM.
Friday, September 9
今天到了五月天阿信的博客才发现，原来五月天出新歌了。
我一读，就已爱上了歌词了。
虽然于五月天的风格有所不同，
但歌词的意义... 还是如此的动人。
有空就听一听吧：
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgWLAYFv9G0
五月天 -- OAOA (現在就是永遠)
我相信 苦澀的 眼淚
我不信 甜美的 誓言
我相信 音樂就該 音樂
我相信 愛情的 純粹
我不信 華麗的 詩篇
我相信 熱烈的 爭辯
我不信 無聲的 和諧
我相信 秒秒的 瞬間
我不信 年年的 永遠
我相信 搖滾就能萬歲
快張開你的嘴OAOA
再不管你是誰OAOA
人生都太短暫
別想 別怕 別後退
現 在 就 是 永 遠
出生的那一年OAOA
轉眼就這一天OAOA
人生都太短暫
去瘋 去愛 去浪費
和我 再唱 OA OAOA
O A O A
O A O A
我们到低几时才会记得， 珍惜眼前的每一刻？
"过去的都已过去了，我们又无法预测未来；
只有眼前的这一刻最珍贵。
活好现在的每一刻，每一秒；才不会变成将来的遗憾。"
我一读，就已爱上了歌词了。
虽然于五月天的风格有所不同，
但歌词的意义... 还是如此的动人。
有空就听一听吧：
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgWLAYFv9G0
五月天 -- OAOA (現在就是永遠)
我相信 苦澀的 眼淚
我不信 甜美的 誓言
我相信 音樂就該 音樂
我相信 愛情的 純粹
我不信 華麗的 詩篇
我相信 熱烈的 爭辯
我不信 無聲的 和諧
我相信 秒秒的 瞬間
我不信 年年的 永遠
我相信 搖滾就能萬歲
快張開你的嘴OAOA
再不管你是誰OAOA
人生都太短暫
別想 別怕 別後退
現 在 就 是 永 遠
出生的那一年OAOA
轉眼就這一天OAOA
人生都太短暫
去瘋 去愛 去浪費
和我 再唱 OA OAOA
O A O A
O A O A
歌词中写着：
"我相信 秒秒的 瞬間
我不信 年年的 永遠"
我们到低几时才会记得， 珍惜眼前的每一刻？
"过去的都已过去了，我们又无法预测未来；
只有眼前的这一刻最珍贵。
活好现在的每一刻，每一秒；才不会变成将来的遗憾。"
what we are, right now @ 6:41 PM.
Thursday, September 8
over the past few days,
i've been typing drafts, saving them, deleting them..
i haven't posted in so long, i kinda forgot how to write,
what to write.. or rather, how to properly express myself.
with my love of writing, isn't this pathetic? ):
i just deleted an entire chunk of words. twice.
i guess im really starting to consider,
what do i want to share with the world..
and what.. i'm only willing to share with a select few (;
today, im not going to bother furnishing this post.
no colours, no frills.
--
canoeing formal dinner a few days ago was... idk.
i was glad to see everyone in the same place again;
yet i felt terribly out of place in the damned formal wear.
not to mention, i felt like some fashion police was going
to ambush me for wearing the same thing to the same place twice .__.
if only i could've gathered the courage to heck care
& went in my jeans + tshirt + maybe a vest/blazer ensemble.
if it were in cwss, i wldn't have cared.
"no! everyone's wearing a dress.
the seniors will freaking judge you!"
if i was the me in cwss, that wld never have deterred me.
in fact, it would have delighted me to simply be.. me.
stubborn as hell in my own right,
staying by my beliefs and principles until im convinced otherwise..
which is either impossible or terribly difficult :P
since when have i bowed to such peer pressure?
i have no idea.
since when have i cared what others think?
i didn't want attention, i didn't want to stand out.
still, i felt horribly uncomfortable.
when i got home, i was really thinking, wondering..
and i hated this change in me.
i dont give a damn anymore, i'm gonna be myself.
i'm not going to force myself into sth i feel completely out of..
i'm going to stay true to myself ;D
"when the clock strikes 12, im reverting back.
Reverse Cinderella."
i've been typing drafts, saving them, deleting them..
i haven't posted in so long, i kinda forgot how to write,
what to write.. or rather, how to properly express myself.
with my love of writing, isn't this pathetic? ):
i just deleted an entire chunk of words. twice.
i guess im really starting to consider,
what do i want to share with the world..
and what.. i'm only willing to share with a select few (;
today, im not going to bother furnishing this post.
no colours, no frills.
--
canoeing formal dinner a few days ago was... idk.
i was glad to see everyone in the same place again;
yet i felt terribly out of place in the damned formal wear.
not to mention, i felt like some fashion police was going
to ambush me for wearing the same thing to the same place twice .__.
if only i could've gathered the courage to heck care
& went in my jeans + tshirt + maybe a vest/blazer ensemble.
if it were in cwss, i wldn't have cared.
"no! everyone's wearing a dress.
the seniors will freaking judge you!"
if i was the me in cwss, that wld never have deterred me.
in fact, it would have delighted me to simply be.. me.
stubborn as hell in my own right,
staying by my beliefs and principles until im convinced otherwise..
which is either impossible or terribly difficult :P
since when have i bowed to such peer pressure?
i have no idea.
since when have i cared what others think?
i didn't want attention, i didn't want to stand out.
still, i felt horribly uncomfortable.
when i got home, i was really thinking, wondering..
and i hated this change in me.
i dont give a damn anymore, i'm gonna be myself.
i'm not going to force myself into sth i feel completely out of..
i'm going to stay true to myself ;D
"when the clock strikes 12, im reverting back.
Reverse Cinderella."
what we are, right now @ 7:28 PM.
