jig-saw puzzle

2011-12-18T04:19:00.001+08:00

与时间挥手告别。

阿信的词，每首都如一首诗。一首令人反省的诗。

“如果要告別如果今夜就要和一切告別
如果你只能打一通電話你會撥給誰“

突然想起时间的流逝是如此得快。再多两周就开学了。这个假期里，我没有什么所谓的“休息”，只有一天又一天，一个接一个的训练。练得有一次我真的好累，累得我再也无法把自己的百分之百献给独木舟。有时还真地感到有些无奈，都没有什么时间与亲人好友聚一聚，跟不见得有时间让自己静一静。但这每天训练，每天看见我的队友，我的教练的日子我早已习惯了。一想到不到两周我就得结束这只需全心全意训练的日子，回到学生生活，我真的有很多的不舍。若能不会去上学，再辛苦的训练我都甘愿。

“還是要告別還是放棄海拔以下的世界
你會裝進什麼回憶紀念在行李裡面“

开学后，边读边训练得我们需要找出自己的平衡点。不到两三个月，就得比赛了。想起刚刚“入门”的我们，真的好像数年前的事。但若要我幻想比赛中赢奖的我们，对现在的我却似个不切实际的梦想。明年，我们将迎接新生，训练独木舟，小考，比赛滑独木舟，训练龙舟，比赛华龙舟，考试，露营，考试，考试，晚宴，考试。很快的，时间会过去。而我将会想念的，到底是训练的日子，还是与我天天训练作伴的队友，训练我们的教练？

“終於要告別終於沒有更多的明天要追
你有什麼遺憾依然殘缺還沒有完美“

今天，与我教练聊天时.. 我突然想起：明年，比赛结束后，就不会再天天看见教练，也再也不会有什么话题与他聊天.. 心里总觉得有点怪怪的。毕竟，这一年来，我们创造了不少痛苦回忆。这一年来，我们见面的数次数也数不清。到了明年，到了我们终于得告别的时候，我会带着一万份的不舍，对我的教练与队友微笑告别。虽然这不是永远永远的告别，但我们却是一起对着天天见面，天天训练的岁月告别。

想起这些，心里真的有些怪怪的。真不舍得，两周后学校开学时所告别的生活。真不想要，告诉自己不再需要辛苦训练，不再会天天见到队友，天天见到教练的时候。我不要求时间倒流，只要求时间慢走，让我足以享受这两周，这两三个月的甜美时光。虽然我会想念，我会不舍.. 但时间一到，我仍然会挥手告别。

2011-12-10T20:33:00.001+08:00

inadequate

I don’t know what to say about today. I can’t exactly say I screwed up my timed trial today; but that was definitely nowhere near my best timing. How did I “deprove” by 40s after a few months of hardcore training?! It was a great slap to my face. I guess I work in a very funny way huh. Occasional compliments may reassure me, but that’s nothing. I need wake up calls, hard slaps to the face. I need harsh words and mentally killing myself before I move further, higher. I am harsh on myself, I admit. But sometimes.. I’ll forget, I’ll lose sight of my goals, I’ll lose focus.

I really don’t understand why kengwi didn’t scold me today, choosing instead to smile when I told him I wanted to go do another 2k to convince myself. (that is so 梁露 omg >.<) Perhaps he knows I’ll eat myself up over my mistakes, no matter how big or small, but I still need him to scold me when I deserve it?! “You and Doris, one tilt to the left, one tilt to the right. Go and do K2 together lah!” (something he told Tammie before the Sept made me stop my tilt by THAT very training).

It was sentences like “Tell me if you don’t want to be on the team; Don’t waste my time” that motivated me to work harder (in netball). “Your stubbornness isn’t going to bring you anywhere!” is the line that still repeats in my head these days, reminding myself not to make the same mistakes. So don’t tell me not to be so harsh on myself, because it’s something I need. In fact, the next time you see me losing focus or not putting in my 100%, SCREAM AT ME. SHOUT AT ME. Because the scariest thing is when you know you’re making a mistake and no one is correcting you anymore.

2011-11-21T16:04:00.002+08:00

i've daringly requested my captain and coach for a day of rest from training today. i think, i have really overtrained myself. at times, it just feels like the usual tiredness of having multiple trainings; other times, i simply trained as normal, or even better than usual. however, suddenly being unable to train up to even 40% of my normal training capacity for two trainings consecutively.. my earlier suspicions reemerged in my mind, especially when i realised i was unable to perform a simple task, such as lifting my paddle to shoulder height while paddling, without difficulty..

c'mon doris, you've only begun.

"Train insane, or remain the same."

"Be stricter, harsher on yourself."

2011-10-30T16:25:00.002+08:00

I guess at the end of the day, words are the ones that would never fail us. They are not all powerful, they fail to encapsulate feelings most of the times, but somehow they always managed to be the very thing I fall back on in times of insecurity. I really wonder how wise was it of me, to openly hint on twitter with the words "Have we given them a reason to fear us?". Would it serve as a reminder, not only to myself but also my team, the reasons we're training? Without a clear goal in mind, what can one achieve?

I miss my chickenrice team, I miss the people I can say things to without fear of offense. I miss Si Jia, I miss Ramya, I miss Chew Yen. The three people whom will always relate to my feelings, understand my thoughts.. even if they beg to differ. They've never failed to open up my eyes to different sights, to different thoughts and perspectives.. teaching me to view the same painting in a different light.

The time apart, in different places of the world has not diminished my love for them. Especially with Ramya being in Aussie. The power of the Internet has made my dear girl so near, yet so far. I miss the random phone calls and messages that would never fail to brighten up my day. I remember the extent to which we'll make each other happy, searching far and wide for grumpy bear only to get a good luck bear in return <3 Or the way our thoughts connect us, our love for community work that has bonded us more than anything. It was scary how our message to each other (on 'O' level results day) was so shockingly similar that it brought tears to my eyes. These three girls are truly the best things that have appeared in my life.

Not forgetting Audrey, my best friend since primary school. We've been through a lot.. I've never imagined myself to be the one who sparked a fight between us, her brutal honesty is always something I've admired and loved. She was the first thing on my mind when I was at my grandfather's wake, keeping my sorrows to myself. It was kinda a joke, my cousin and me... our naive conversation when we simply wanted to hold on to the thought that.. hey, it could've been better. what if.. this happened? When I teared at the airport, or sobbed heavily when I got home, silently listening to my cries as she did her math. I've never asked her how she felt, but I guess it must be horrible for her.. To receive a random call from her best friend who barely tears, only to hear her sobbing hopelessly. It is truly my blessing, to have her in my life. "I must have a lucky star; For I have the best friend I can wish for."

I am really lucky, I feel really blessed. I have wonderful people in my life and I really love how my life has turned out so far. There have been setbacks, there have been lessons.. It was not always smooth-sailing, but I know, these are the very things that have shaped me today. "There is no way you can connect the dots looking forward, only when you look backwards." I am glad. I really love the way the dots in my life has connected, I am really blessed that these special girls in my life.. are still here to stay. I love you girls (;

2011-10-30T15:44:00.002+08:00

On another day, I may have posted this on tumblr. But I am increasingly aware of my readership on each of the social networking sites I have, and cautious of the words that I say. Yes, carefully and selectively posting certain materials on the different sites does not make it private; but somehow.. I feel better letting it out with the knowledge that it's gonna have to take a number of turns before it reaches the eyes (or ears) of the people I don't want to share this with.

Somehow, if this was with the chickenrice team, I wouldn't hesitate to share this with everyone. Or, even if I were to feel uncomfortable, there are still a few that I know I can tell without hurting or offending anyone, and knowing that they'll understand. Perhaps it's the lack of team talks, perhaps it's the different mentality of the people around here, I just doubt I can get the same understanding I know I would get if it were, say.. Si Jia. Besides, despite being the QM, I doubt I am in any position to say anything about it.

I really, seriously think that we're taking things for granted. Yes, the seniors got 2nd this year. But they worked really, really, really hard. They were constantly afraid of not being good enough and pushed themselves past their limits. They knew that they came in weak, without much sporting experience and needed to train up. We came in, majority from sport ccas. We came with some form of stamina, experienced some form of hardcore training, we came in with strength. Yet, we lack the mental strength and determination our seniors had. This includes me. Thinking back on the times where I felt I was really lagging in netball, when I self-trained to increase my stamina, increase my strength and improve on my skills.. What I'm doing now, merely going for optional trainings.. It doesn't even match up. My love for the sport and the desire to get onto the team fueled my motivation to train harder and harder, to push myself past limits every time, enjoying the sweat dripping down my back and the ache of my muscles. Although I dare not say I was stronger then (mentally), for I am known to give up during the last lap of 2.4km runs, but I dare say.. The desire, the fire of passion was much stronger then.

I keep telling myself to focus on my techniques, but now that my techniques is somewhere there.. When am I going to train up my paddling stamina? Doris, get this stuck in your head: YOUR MENTAL STRENGTH FUCKING SUCKS. You know your pain tolerance is much higher than that. You know that if you can shave off so many minutes off your timings, without panting like mad, YOU HAVE NOT PUSHED HARD ENOUGH. When are you going to do it, Doris?! When!

"How dare they say they're going to beat us next year wth"

How dare we get angry at them and say, "No way in hell are we going to let that happen", when we've not given them a reason to fear us? Others may beg otherwise, but I seriously doubt that I, personally, have given anyone, be it in the team or outside the team, to fear me on water. If I can't even give others the sense that I'm their competition, how dare I say, "Don't belittle me"? I don't dare, I really don't.

So when people are talking, I'm gonna keep mum.

Even if you're a threat to someone, be humble. Keep your words to yourself.

Let your actions next year do all the talking for you.

2011-09-09T18:41:00.001+08:00

今天到了五月天阿信的博客才发现，原来五月天出新歌了。

我一读，就已爱上了歌词了。
虽然于五月天的风格有所不同，
但歌词的意义... 还是如此的动人。

有空就听一听吧：
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgWLAYFv9G0

五月天 -- OAOA (現在就是永遠)
我相信苦澀的眼淚
我不信甜美的誓言
我相信音樂就該音樂

我相信愛情的純粹
我不信華麗的詩篇
我相信熱烈的爭辯
我不信無聲的和諧

我相信秒秒的瞬間
我不信年年的永遠
我相信搖滾就能萬歲

快張開你的嘴OAOA
再不管你是誰OAOA
人生都太短暫
別想別怕別後退
現在就是永遠

出生的那一年OAOA
轉眼就這一天OAOA
人生都太短暫
去瘋去愛去浪費
和我再唱 OA OAOA

O A O A
O A O A

歌词中写着：
"我相信秒秒的瞬間
我不信年年的永遠"

我们到低几时才会记得，珍惜眼前的每一刻？
"过去的都已过去了，我们又无法预测未来；
只有眼前的这一刻最珍贵。
活好现在的每一刻，每一秒；才不会变成将来的遗憾。"

2011-09-08T19:28:00.002+08:00

over the past few days,
i've been typing drafts, saving them, deleting them..
i haven't posted in so long, i kinda forgot how to write,
what to write.. or rather, how to properly express myself.

with my love of writing, isn't this pathetic? ):

i just deleted an entire chunk of words. twice.

i guess im really starting to consider,
what do i want to share with the world..
and what.. i'm only willing to share with a select few (;

today, im not going to bother furnishing this post.
no colours, no frills.

--

canoeing formal dinner a few days ago was... idk.
i was glad to see everyone in the same place again;
yet i felt terribly out of place in the damned formal wear.

not to mention, i felt like some fashion police was going
to ambush me for wearing the same thing to the same place twice .__.

if only i could've gathered the courage to heck care
& went in my jeans + tshirt + maybe a vest/blazer ensemble.
if it were in cwss, i wldn't have cared.

"no! everyone's wearing a dress.
the seniors will freaking judge you!"
if i was the me in cwss, that wld never have deterred me.
in fact, it would have delighted me to simply be.. me.

stubborn as hell in my own right,
staying by my beliefs and principles until im convinced otherwise..
which is either impossible or terribly difficult :P

since when have i bowed to such peer pressure?
i have no idea.
since when have i cared what others think?

i didn't want attention, i didn't want to stand out.
still, i felt horribly uncomfortable.
when i got home, i was really thinking, wondering..
and i hated this change in me.

i dont give a damn anymore, i'm gonna be myself.
i'm not going to force myself into sth i feel completely out of..
i'm going to stay true to myself ;D

"when the clock strikes 12, im reverting back.
Reverse Cinderella."

2011-06-30T23:38:00.002+08:00

The dreams of a child.

All our stories begin with a Once-Upon-A-Time. Once upon a time, I was a child. Dreams and fantasies filled my head, imagination running wild, life has limitless possibilities.. and Disney fed my childish beliefs.

Alice followed a White Rabbit to Wonderland, Peter Pan never grew up, I imagined what it would be like to be a mermaid while Princesses found their Prince Charming.. and it all ended with “they lived happily ever after”.

There was a period of time I really, truly believed. I believed Cinderella that dreams are just waiting to come true, I believed that we all have adventures awaiting us, that all good people will get their happily-ever-afters..

As i grew up, I quickly realised the flaws in Disney’s movies. If Cinderella’s glass slipper fit perfectly, why did it fall off? How painful would it be, if the Prince climbed on Rapunzel’s hair.. Or better yet, why didn’t the Princes have kingdoms to run, instead of running around forests slaying dragons for a girl you did not know?

Soon after, I was caught up by the drama of school life. Well, minus the drama. Since young, school has simply been lessons, extra lessons, examinations, grades, friendships and moving up the educational ladder, rung by rung. I finally realised that magical things do not happen to you, Peter Pan is not going to come and help you escape from your troubles by bringing you to Neverland, life as a student is plain boring and happiness does not come in the form of a Prince Charming.

Now, looking back.. I can’t help but feel a sense of wonder, of fantasy. I may be naive, but I was dreaming. Afterall, our generation has always been taught to keep one leg rooted in reality, while reaching for the stars in the skies.

I may not have the most exciting stories to tell, neither is my life storybook-worthy. I may not be the best person in the world, I may not have love that sweeps me off my feet.. But there are still times in life, I feel greatly blessed. I feel grounded; I have wonderful people in my life, beautiful memories in my heart..; Happiness is what you allow yourself; Dreams are simply reality waiting to happen — as long as you put the effort into it; In my imagination or times of slumber, I can still enter the land of fantasies..

And sometimes, moments in life feel simply.. Magical.

2011-06-17T19:10:00.004+08:00

FOR THREE DAYS...

for three days, my phone's internet explorer has been permanently on 2 websites:
Lightning Alert Risk; gothere.sg
for three days, i've been trying to report to the venue on time :/
for three days, i've been moving around.. supervising, observing.
for three days, i've been hearing the sounds of children around me.

for three days, i've been interacting with the 'kids' from haven,
and the volunteers of ACJC.

i would like to say, it was a really great experience.
i've really really enjoyed the whole process,
even if it meant losing sleep here & there..
being stressed, frustrated, annoyed, and even angered,
simply trying to make it a success.

the volunteers of ACJC are really a awesome bunch of people.
their enthusiasium from the first day affected me, affected the kids.
if i had a chance, i would've interacted with them more.
if i had a chance, i would've wanted them to stay with the kids for all 3 days of the camp.

i have people who volunteered for one day only..
and yet making such a lasting impact
that the kids asked for them for the rest of the camp,
and even demanding that they visit after the camp!

the 'kids' too.. i was fooled by their appearances.
they looked so young, acted so young,
i thought a number of them were in lower primary.

when, in actual fact, only Jane was 7 years old (i guessed correctly!)
and the rest were from 12-18 years old.

hmm...
i think, i've really said whatever i needed, wanted to say..
during my debrief to the facilitators ytd,
during my thank you letter to haven and the various day leaders..

i'm running out of things to say!
but i think i'll still take some time over this week
to write personal thank you letters to each & every one
who has volunteered their time to make a difference in the 'kids' lives.

What we can learn from them,
far exceeds what we can give to them.

uncle jones, you were right.
these kids are addictive.
some of us miss them already.

2011-06-14T21:46:00.004+08:00

How does it feel,
to know you can always make her smile?

I just had the first day of Haven Camp today.
Initially, when i was walking around.. looking around, the camp seemed to progressing rather smoothly; each group seem to be getting along well amongst themselves & with the facilitators and everyone seemed to be having fun (including the station masters and facilitators). Laughter is heard everywhere, smiles on their faces. Well, until we tried to play "Balloon Stomp" and failed due to already-present unhappiness in the various groups. So imagine my surprise, when I was debriefing the facilitators and they all agreed.. that their group members were actually bored and uninterested in the games.

Sarah Heah's comment made me think even further. She reminded me of the objectives we had in mind when we first planned the camp. To help them survive when they come out into the society in the future; to impact them, change their beliefs and value systems; to change their future choice of actions, perspectives... It made me realise, we didn't exactly achieve our objectives at all.

The brief reflection time after every station game, meant to provoke thoughts in the participants, was described as "utterly useless" by the facilitators. Participants memorised their answers; They did not think of how it applies to their lives, they just want to get on to the next station, the next game.

The activities may have progressed smoothly, according to plan.. But what use is that, if we do not achieve our objectives? What use is that, if the participants do not benefit? What use is it, if this was "just another camp"?

I understand it is not easy, but we have to try. I understand that it takes a lot of effort, and even time, for the particpants to open up.. but it is necessary. However, this is a rather sensitive issue: How would you feel, if you finally let someone new into your life, and he/she leaves after the camp ends?

Sigh. I can only hope, tomorrow will be better.

//update: 10.14pm
Thinking back, one of the facilitators mentioned something that got me thinking.

There was this one girl, when I first saw her walking out of Haven on our way to WCP, I thought she reminded me of my cousin. Cheerful, fun-loving, loves attention.. but at the heart, a simple kid. She reminded me so much of her, I just had to smile and tell Sarah about her.

During the debrief, her facilitator mentioned that the very same kid, probably only 7 years old, does not like speaking about herself. I think back of all the kids I've met, I've known.. Besides Joven Lee, all of them loved to share about themselves -- What they like, what they dislike.. interesting experiences, unfortunate experiences.. things they've learn, things they're wondering.. They just like to speak excitedly about the things that interest them.

A 7 year old girl, doesn't like talking about herself. How out-of-ordinary it is, especially with the first impression she left on me. I wonder, what kind of experiences must she have had to make her act this way.. because, from my gut feeling, this isn't her natural personality.

"I think you guys need to learn it more than the kids at Haven -- How to get back on your feet after facing failure." -- Mr Lau
How true, I'm sure.. They've experienced far worse than we have.

2011-06-08T21:19:00.003+08:00

LETTER TO MYSELF

Heyyyy girl,
I know you're feeling tired,
I can tell that you're losing motivation.
This is happening not only to your studies,
but also to your trainings.

You are constantly finding it harder and harder
to give your best every day.
& most of the time, it seems so easy, so tempting to simply say..
"I can't do this, I can't continue.."

But always remember what Keng Wi (Coach) said:
"Find a thousand reasons to go on,
not one reason to give up"

it is not easy, but it's necessary.
MIND OVER BODY.
keep that firmly in your mind.

built up your mental strength, girl.
remember what you told Beatrice.
"You can do it, I know it.
Now all you have to do is to believe it too."

The immerse power of "Belief",
isn't that something you always prescribe to? (:
It's in you, the strength to go on.
The journey is long, I can promise it'll be tough.
But it also depends on YOU to see yourself through.

It's back to the same question again,
you can never run away from it.
"How badly, how much do you want it?"
How much effort are you willing to put in,
to achieve your goal?

"There is no tomorrow,
for time waits for no one"
if you really want it, start NOW.

2011-06-05T20:25:00.003+08:00

A picture titled "The Ying and Yang of World Hunger".
How painfully true it is..

If not for the title,
I wld not even have seen the starving, bony man in the picture.
Is this not the case in the the world?

If not for cries by activists,
If not for drastic situations that reach the headlines of newspapers,
Would we have seen The Hungry in our world?
Would we have recognised our own personal affluence?

After being shocked awake, this guilt-ridden feeling lingers..
How dare we complain about low quality food, when others have none to eat?
How dare we complain about hunger, when others are starving?
How dare we complain about our circumstances, when millions are worst off than us?

This guilt-ridden feeling lingers..
It lingers in our heart. But for how long?

How long would it be, before we start to forget?
How long would it be, before we start to neglect?
How long would it be, before we go back to our ways..?

Humans, oh how forgetful we are...
How ignorance has pampered us all!
When would it be, before we are not blinded by self-centredness..?
When would it be, before we start to SEE..?

I pray for the day, I would not forget.
I pray for the day, You will remember.
I pray for the day, the world becomes a better place.

2011-05-15T23:21:00.003+08:00

in my dreams as a young girl,
i've always had a secret hideout.

it was in my grandma's house;
one of the cabinets was a secret passage way to the attic.
in my hideout, was all my precious items
& throughout the whole time, i've only allowed one person to enter.

the funny thing was,
my grandma's house looked nothing like the original.

as a little girl, those dreams were probably my fantasy.
the result of too much imagination & too much cartoons filling my day;
the simple proof of a innocent little girl who wanted something special to herself.

repeatedly dreaming of the same hideout,
with different scenarios..
it was as if i was creating stories, adventures for myself.

today, i wonder...
what do those dreams truly mean?

suddenly thinking about it today too.
does it hint at anything?

2011-04-30T08:32:00.003+08:00

i would be really upset if i didnt go for dragonboat trainings.
like simin (my coach) said, "it's the process that matters."
and it was really, truly an enriching process.

never once had i trained so hard,
never once had i ached so much,
never had i practiced such time management.

it's kinda amazing that i completed most of my work
despite having to travel to opposite ends
of singapore the whole weekends.

after the dragonboat nationals yesterday..
i have grown physically, mentally.. and emotionally.

yesterday, i did not paddle.

when my teammates went down for the 20men 500m race,
isabel and i stood and watched from the shore.

when they paddled, our hearts pounded;
when they neared the finishing line, we held our breaths;
when they crossed the line,
clinching the first gold medal of the day, our hearts soared.

due to weather conditions, half the race yesterday was cancelled.
all 250m race sets were all cancelled.
it remains an unknown, if my coach wld've sent us down for the 250m race.
it remains an unknown, if we were up for the challenge.
it remains an unknown...

despite the disappointment, the feeling of inferiority..
my teammates, my seniors tried to make it better by giving us
instead of our coachs the medals.
their rationale? "you guys trained hard, you deserved it"

but i didnt paddle. i didnt fight for it in the waters.
i refused to take it. it was not my medal to win.

everything weighed down on me,
all the stress of managing commontests, homework,
dragonboat trainings, PW, myself, friendships...
all the sacrifices.. all the sweat and efforts..
everything just weighed down on me towards the end of the day.

when my seniors teared, i held it in.
flashing a smile, i continued normal conversation with my team.
but once my coach debriefed, i had to close my eyes to keep them in.
when my captain tried passing me the medals..

i cried.

my capabilites on water, with my teammates,
may be currently unknown.
but training up for the day was truly a great experience.

seeing my seniors cry, hearing what wenya said to me..
im really motivated to work even harder from now on,
next year... next year, we'll win it for them.
we'll get back the glory our seniors truly deserved.

To God be the Glory, the Best is Yet to Be.
Wait for us, we're coming.

2011-03-15T22:16:00.004+08:00

do something concrete for japan, yeah? ;D

honestly speaking, even if you believe in a higher power
who would be there to help alleviate japan's suffering,
the country needs to restore itself & its really in need of aid.
so yeah (: be awesome people ^^

canoe is taking up a crazy amount of my holidays.
although not all are trainings, it's still madddd shyttt!
haha ;D but the team makes it all fun tho, so it's okay (:

canoe literally debunked my theory of the first and last day of hols
being stay-at-home-and-do-nothing rest days!
bye bye, disney movies with ice cream & my favourite pillow ):

right now, after a day of PT..
my abs hurt whenever i cough or laugh.
which is kinda weird, but hopefully it gets better tmr (:
water training! XD

oh, and i feel like a pig now ):
i keep thinking of the yummy food
i'll get to eat this week! ;D
mhmm, cant wait cant wait! xD

my wallet's gonna slim down, while i get fat! ):

2011-03-10T23:24:00.003+08:00

i have no idea why, but i seem to have the
i-dont-want-my-birthday-to-come feeling again D:
it seems to be happening every year? o.o

just let me have a normal day in school,
a peaceful and cheerful day..

i dont ask for much,
just let everyone around me be happy and healthy,
safe and sound okay? (:

which conflicting feelings in my heart tonight, that's all i ask.

2011-03-09T23:07:00.002+08:00

hmm, okayyy lah. i must admit,
i AM taking quite a long time to update..
but i tryyyyy to stalk everyone everyday! :P
haha ^^

the J2s are having term exams,
so technically we aint supposed to be having any training.
however, since canoers are naturally crazy people
who seem to have a maschoistic streak inborn in them,
we're having training every single day of this week.

yesss, every single day. & my saturday too! D:

well, that'll mean i can't take up the umpiring offer this sat,
which makes me feel a littleeee sadddd.
however, i doubt i'll dare to go due to a lack of practice! D:

honestly, i miss netball training with the chickenrice team!
but i really cant see myself playing again in this school :/
i would love to continue being involved in the sport
through umpiring.. but i need somewhere to practice! D:

i really dont wanna screw up any matches
just because i didnt practice :/
afterall, it's different now that i'm no longer a trainee-umpire :X

ohyeah, had the pre u seminar interview today :X
"use something on you and advertise it to us"
gahhhh, i was stuck! D: i just whacked anything i could think of :/
i hope the universe would be in my favour? (:

ohwell~ i've been reaching home late everyday
& somehow, blasting music doesn't help work..
especially when my itchy hands reach over to grab my pillow...

i'll literally end up hugging my beloved pillow,
falling asleep in front of the computer or my work :/
gahhhh ):

so you may ask, why am i online now,
blogging instead of doing my work?
because i'm 'resting' ;D & i should get going.

hopefully, i'll last tonight (:
heyyy people, let's meet during the march hols okay! ;D

2011-03-04T23:58:00.010+08:00

i feel like rewatching all the classic disney movies..
or maybe i should only rewatch my favourites :P
hmm.. for tonight, i shall be content with my disney music (:

speaking of which, i am almost dying without music
travelling, studying, during my breaks in school ):
but then again, my breaks are mostly longggggg,
so we end up eating & talking tho we tried doing work :X

gahhh, must be more productive! ;D

hmm, note to self:
"dont bite off more than you can chew!"

haha ;D that's actually not random.
i'm currently considering going for NYAA Silver~
school, training, (maybeee) pre-u seminar, OCIP..

SCHOOL's great, i guess.
i'm finally not reaching school just mere seconds
before the doors close and i get booked.
(heyyy, i actually reached school LATE on a go-to-sch-late day.
it was a dumb story & im sure you'll laugh your head off)

although im still falling asleep during lectures..
when i dont want to.. (tired, not boring!)
i'm not nodding off as much,
& that definitely means my body is adjusting already! XD

give me some more time, im adjusting,
i'm picking up pace and soon, i'll definitely be on task (:

i havent gone for the interview for the pre u seminar o.o
but surely, i do hope i can get it! (:
it'll be fun! ^^ and definitely a greattttt experience.

as for the OCIP,
i think i may need to talk to my teacher first,
then read up a little more.. i'm kinda lost of where to start~
the logistics is madddddd shyyyyyttttttt. hahaha ;D
omgggggg, what did i sign myself up for?!

but i'm very willing to do all the nasty paperwork,
& make this thing happen ^^
esp with the support of my lovely classmates (:
it'll be such a wonderful experience! ^^

but still... waaaaaaaa..
all these doesnt make it easier to decide~ :X
especially after analysing it like that :/

do i trust myself enough to cope?
should i go for NYAA Silver? do you think i should?
ohwell, i should be more productive.
im gonna go cut my hair :P

2011-02-20T18:53:00.005+08:00

hmm, so what has happened since i last posted?

14.02 Valentine's Day
Quite an interesting day^^
I bought chocolates for everyone cos I was kinda lazyyyy~
to do anything else, but hey! it's better than nothing! XD

Bryan was damn funny as he tried finding sth to give me back.
Tissues (adverts for tuition) taken outside the school,
Plastic utensils (still wrapped in clear plastic)..
yeah, it baffles me why he has it in his bag too. haha ;D

Daniel (Goh) was sweet enough to give me and Jasmine
a Touberone each back in return the next day!
It was kinda amusing how he signalled me awayyy fm my OG.

He seems to be opening up & Vishnu seems to be friendlier! ^^
I really hope that altho i was kinda an angrybitch in sec1,
this time.. in a new school, we can be friends? ;D

15.02 Canoeing Trials
haha ;D i wonder how much of a trial it is,
when they were trying quite hard not to scare
anyone away with their (superrrrrrrr) light PT.

i quote my friend:
"everyone can get in, it just depends on when you'll quit"

well, i doubt i'll quit (if i join).
now the only question is, should i join canoeing?
so many factors in my mind, pushing.. pulling... help?

16.02 Netball Trials
I SCREWED UP :/ i wasn't performing,
i wasn't giving them any reason to take me in.
i could see how hesitant the teacher i/c was.

"which school are you from?"
"commonwealth"
"oh, so you're in the same team as... qiuying"

gah, i hope i dont make trainings worse for her ):
cos i really really sucked that day. yeah.

And, im still contemplating between the 2 sports :X

19.02 Umpiring Practical
YAYYYYYY ME XD
I'm officially a level one umpire!! XD
I'm happy that it's finally done & over with;
but I'm happier that OMG I GOT IT AT FIRST TRY!

It was kinda scary cos i was really late
& my umpiring coach didnt say much about me
while she kept giving advice & teaching the others :/
i really thought she wouldn't pass me :X

omg, i am sooooooo happy ^^

now the problem is, if i eventually don't join netball...
where do i get to practice my umpiring?! D:
damnnnnnnnn :/ i wouldnt wanna screw up umpiring
my first official game, you know? :/

2011-02-12T14:07:00.003+08:00

YAY, i finally got around to solving my blogskin problem.
what? everyone's entitled to a little laziness every now & then :P

the past few nights have not been really pleasant,
esp. since ramya likes calling in the middle of the night
& we'll be two crazy girls crying over the phone.

my mum walked into my room & literally scolded me crazy.
idk how, but ramya "awwww"-ed at that too :/

well, that girl has finally flown over to melbourne
& is still stalking people from there :X
(which, i say, is creepier than her stalking people here)

you know what's the best thing?
i'm dreaming about the times we've had together :X
gahhhh :/

RAMYA, IS YOUR SOUL FLYING BACK TO SG
AND INVADING MY HEAD AT NIGHT?!?!

now that i think about it,
we've done quite a lottttttt of stupid things together.
hahahah, its damn funny too :P

truth to be told, i'm worried about her.
esp since she has this tendency to not eat unless forced to.

SO RAMYA, PLEASE EAT PROPERLY!
as in, REGULAR PROPER MEALS! (@ least thrice a day!)
in PROPER PORTIONS. (& no, eating like a mouse is not 'proper')

but with her charming personality, i know she'll be fine (:
apparently her homie is a mix between karen yeo and qiuying LOL
quite an interesting combination? :P

ramya's a big girl, aint she? ;D
she can take care of herself well ^^

i love you, ramya (:
you'd better get an adapter real quick! XD
we shall be the awesomest pen pals ever!
(then we can add on to that super long name we alr have :P)

2011-02-05T18:09:00.004+08:00

Embrace your memories,
Let your tears clear your vision,
Step into the future with a new perspective.

so.. update time?
ramya's been complaining of my (not-so-dead) blog,
despite me saying "i have nth to blog about"
which is true, cos my life has been BORING.

i've been staring at this page for the longest time ever.
the only fun thing i could remember vividly
was the impromptu sleepover at ramya's house two days ago
& how girly jayden was acting LOL

it's amusing how two girls were sending a guy home
& that we really just crapped and laughed the night awayyy..
well, until i was too tired to keep myself awake, that is.

oh, and the fact that i lost money to a kid (again)
when i went to 拜年 with my prisch friends.
hmm, i just realised we didnt take a single photo this year :X

hmm, this cny is one of the sian-est ones ever,
there aint any atmosphere at all.

it's amusing how acjc's cny celebration was more
like a primary school's racial harmony day

"what is deepavali known as?"
"the festival of lights"

"what do female chinese wear during cny?
a) sari
b) cheongsam
c) ...."

oh, they only sang one chinese cny song -.-
me: EH, the last time i saw han yu pin yin was...
gabriel: primary school.
me: precisely.

oh, and my sisters koped my angbao money -.-

2011-01-27T22:35:00.002+08:00

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY :D
i got a bit irritated that my umpiring course results
weren't out yet, and my practical aint coming,
so i went to email netball singapore.

the reply was he already sent it to mrs margret loh -.-
who neglected to inform us (why am i not surprised?)
but he attached it anyway~
AND MY RESULTS WERE "O.O HUH?"

but that certainly made my day (;

i was suffering from mixed emotions the whole day.
well, i actually am still feeling a little confused :/

to be honest, i've long accepted that i've been posted to acjc .
in fact, after i got over my inital disappointment,
i didn't mind going to acjc at all.

nonetheless, i wanted to try appealing,
cause i never want to regret not knowing if i ever had the chance.
i regretted in sec one, it made me miserable for months,
and i'll hate to go through that again :/

when i first went to the school,
i caught myself thinking "i want to go home now"
sounds very primary school-ish, but it was a strong urge.

however, when i was listening to the various addresses/talks,
i was actually wondering, "will i be able to survive/excel in this school?"
and my answer was "yes."

still, i desired to go to ___.
yet, something there was pushing me away from the school.
i find not wanting to go to a school because of someone very stupid,
yet it was a strong 'push' factor indeed.

"am i ready to face...?" :/

i was also worrying if the school would treat you
any differently as you're appeal students and stuff...
what jingyue told me today in the canteen didnt help at all D:

i actually considered not following through with my appeal
but once i stepped into the school to submit the form,
i realised, despite my previous uncertainties,
i really really want to get into the school.

but now, being at home..
sitting at my computer desk,
all the push and pull factors are attacking me again :/

as ms jane would say, "leave the rest to the universe."

2011-01-23T16:48:00.003+08:00

hmm, a brand new school year is coming.
what does the future hold for me?

"it's three more days to the start of school!"
well, yeah audrey. i knew it was soon,
but you didnt have to tell me that specifically D:

still fretting about where i would be posted to :/
sighhh, despite audrey's reassurance.. haha ;D
tho her reassurance is kinda more of putting the school down :X

worryworryworry.

besides that,
im also still wondering if i shld take BS1 in feb :/
but the course fees + dictionary..
haha ;D trust me to be thinking of money.

should i?

somehow, i dont want time to pass so fast... D:

2011-01-20T21:10:00.000+08:00

sigh, i've been so emotional ytd & today..
asked myself questions i didnt want answers to,
ain't it masochistic?

i'm torturing myself, ain't i? :/

ohyeah, had such a fun day ytd w ramya & amirtha!
tho i arrived late cos of stupid things that happened
simply because i was too busy thinking D:

RAMYA COOKED PASTA!
with the help of amirtha and her mum...
& i have to say, IT WAS DELICIOUS! XD

then we baked cookies and muffins together~
hmm, i shall try to improve the muffin recipe,
but the cookie recipe was GREAT! ;D
i'm gonna tryyyyy steal fm amirtha next time ^^

OH OH, amirtha kept saying..
"after A's, we shall open a bakery together okay? ;D"
haha, when we do... DO SUPPORT US OKAY? ;D

meanwhile,
let's continue tweaking recipes to perfect them! (;

2011-01-18T23:41:00.000+08:00

i cant sleep tonight..
maybe it's cos i'm kinda used to sleeping late these few days,
or perhaps it's because i keep thinking about this afternoon..

hmm, to tell the truth..
umpiring today was a good experience,
although i doubt i deserved the money :/

it was annoying, irritating, and pissing off too
when the players simply lacked sportsmanship
or argued with you when they dont even know the actual rules.

but still, these are the people we're bound to meet,
these are the experiences that toughen you up.
i guess, we've all learnt to respect our umpires today (;

most of all,
i miss the feeling on court.

2011-01-11T21:32:00.000+08:00

a teary affair
i've never ever thought that i would cry on my results day :/
it was notttttttt in part of the plan.

i was actually okay until i talked to LL.
to think about it, i must have scared quite a no. of people D:

also, i have no idea why i cried. i'm serious.
all i knew was conflicting emotions ran through my heart,
& the tears just fell..
but it was an emotional outburst i had needed (;

hmm, choices have consequences.
this sentence has been floating around for quite some time,
maybe cos cy & i keep thinking about/repeating it. heh (;

i chose not to study as hard as my classmates,
knowing that i'll definitely burn out if i did..
& that choice brought me my results (;

9 distinctions may sound/look very nice (on the big screen)
but the truth is, majority of it were A-freaking-TWOs.
inclusive of my strongest subjects: HMT & triple science.

now, only one word can summarise everything:
RAWR.

no matter how much i disliked LL's way of doing things,
i guess, i really wanted to get that A1 too.
for him, and for myself. it was an assurance i strongly desired.

disappointment in myself, coupled with guilt towards LL..
especially so with his forgiveness (again-.-)
sighhh..

this time, i lacked the courage to go up to any teacher & say:
I'm very very sorry D:

STILL, i am exceedingly proud of my dear friends ;D
AMIRTHA, JEREMYGOH, HANNAHLIM, HUIBIN, ELAINE, CYNTHIA
for their amazingly excellent results ;D

CONGRATULATIONS! XD

2011-01-10T12:26:00.000+08:00

If wearing your PE attire nearly 4hrs in advance
doesnt help make it any more real.. What will?

this feeling of detachment..
will be gone once i step into the school bah? :/

heh, it's exactly like how i felt before i got my PSLE results.
no nervousness, no anxiousness..
until you start walking to the school.. ;P

until then (;